Current mood:	disoriented
Current music:	Soul Journey (Gillian Welch), Love is Hell (Ryan Adams)

looking in
I'm back from NJ/NYC and I had a wonderful time. =) Lal is one of those very rare people who is just unbelievably awesome, and we had so much fun together! From blowing up aliens to bongo-ing to "Whip It," to Blue Man tap-dancing at Newark Penn Station, to looking through the same photos over and over and never getting tired of it. She had a kickass squishy blue pig toy that I loved--I just had to get one for myself, and he is pinned between my stomach and the desk as I type. He is ubercute. Anywho, I may write more details about the weekend sometime later, but for now... Lal, Mere, and I ushered the 4 PM show Saturday, and saw Wes (Mattpart), Matt R. (Center--I have never seen him there but he ruled, especially on PVC), and a new guy named Jason Rue (I think there's an E...). But I'm going to affectionately call him Roo, because he was a cute Blue Man, and really nice and friendly with us on his way back through the theatre. Anyways, Wes was so precious, just like he was in the UPick video! Haha. He's also got awesome Blue Man dances which automatically makes him rule.
For some reason ushering in NYC confused the hell out of me... there are only two sides! And no sections! But I was all uhhhhh wait where is row KK? And odd numbers are on one side and even on the other... but I couldn't for the life of me remember which was which. I bet that's just because it was only my first time there, but Boston, despite its craziness, is way easier! hahahh I'm all backwards. We sat in the folding chairs in the back, so we had to contort a little bit to see... but it was all worth it when I saw Wes come up the stairs behind us and giggle at Lal and Mere who were doing band dances (and didn't see Wes there)--then he whirled up the stairs and did the monkey, backwards, all the way down the aisle. LOL. Oh and the other hilarious thing he did... during Twinkie Feast, after he fed the girl (a mid-aged looking woman who was pretty uneventful), he just sat and stared at her, instead of shifting closer or giving her the lovey-dovey look... but then he lifted his eyebrow and nodded his head up as if to say, "howyoudoin?" which was absolutely hysterical. I think Lal, Mere, and I were the only ones to die laughing, though. *snickers*

So before coming back here to my dorm, I stopped at the mall for some food... I found myself people-watching, feeling like an outsider of sorts. There was a grandpa chasing his grandkids around, all of them laughing with sheer joy. A few middle-school-ish boys playing DDR (or something like it), who made me wonder if they dance like that at parties. Arms straight down, feet moving so damn fast in seemingly random directions, on a restricted little metal platform. Weird. Then on the carousel, a small girl on one of the outer horses, who moved with her horse like they were flying... And I remembered how I used to ride carousels (or my old rocking horse) and pretend they were real--or better, that they were slow-motion winged beings flying through the air above a busy freeway, putting all those mechanical vehicles to shame. So I thought... dang, I want to ride the carousel too. But I was alone, 19... it would have been strange. I wish it didn't have to be. I wish I could love trying out all the sample toys in the stores without having to be a big dork about it to justify how much fun I'm having. Being grown-up sucks. I remember how I used to have crazy fantasy stories running through my head all the time... I still do, but now they are of a quality that makes reality disappointing--I imagine all of these possible scenarios, and eventually have to remind myself that the chances of it ever happening is slim to none. I didn't have to face that reality when I was little. So the stuffed animals weren't real, so I wasn't really a horse hurtling over obstacles for dear life, so the little lego people weren't really talking to each other... so what? Nothing was telling me to come back to earth, so I would just stay in my fantasy worlds...
I don't remember much but those from my childhood, and even now I often feel like I'm a living dream, like I can never quite figure what is ideal and what reality... and where the magical place is where they meet. I'm either reliving or envisioning, and even when I'm in the present, I'm seeing it an abstract way, like I'm not really here, but rather, outside myself--an observer of some girl's life. It doesn't matter if I'm in the imagined world or the "real" world, I always feel like I'm "looking in," even if I'm in the middle of doing something, becoming someone. I see lines of logic and culture and appropriateness and consequences... I see the lines but I want to see the spaces... I want to live in the spaces without realizing I'm blocked in with invisible walls I may or may not be able to break if I wanted to, if I think I should. Just live for once, without realizing I'm living. ...as if that makes any sense.